Actual Cannibal Shia LaBeouf

You're walking in the woods

There's no one around and your phone is dead

Out of the corner of your eye you spot him:

Shia LaBeouf.

He's following you, about 30 feet back

He gets down on all fours and breaks into a sprint

He's gaining on you

Shia LaBeouf

You're looking for you car but you're all turned around

He's almost upon you now

and you can see there's blood on his face

My God, there's blood everywhere!

Running for you life (from Shia LaBeouf)

He's brandishing a knife (It's Shia LaBeouf)

Lurking in the shadows

Hollywood superstar Shia LaBeouf

Living in the woods (Shia LaBeouf)

Killing for sport (Shia LaBeouf)

Eating all the bodies

Actual cannibal Shia LaBeouf

Now it's dark and you seem to have lost him

but you're hopelessly lost yourself

Stranded with a murderer

you creep silently through the underbrush

Aha! In the distance

A small cottage with a light on

Hope! You move stealthily toward it

but your leg! Ah! It's caught in a bear trap!

Gnawing off your leg (Quiet, quiet)

Limping to the cottage (Quiet, quiet)

Now you're on the doorstep

Sitting inside: Shia LaBeouf

Sharpening an axe (Shia LaBeouf)

But he doesn't hear you enter (Shia LaBeouf)

You're sneaking up behind him

Strangling superstar Shia LaBeouf

Fighting for your life with Shia LaBeouf

Wrestling a knife from Shia LaBeouf

Stab him in his kidney

Safe at last from Shia LaBeouf

You limp into the dark woods

blood oozing from your stump leg

But you have won; you have beaten

Shia LaBeouf

Super Hero

Osanai koro, akogareta Muteki no akai manto Moraru no nai gendai ni Hitsuyou nano wa sonna hiiroo [Ichi,] gomi hiroi ni isoshinde [Ni,] maigo no koneko tasuke [San,] ijimekko kechirashite [Shi,] Settouhan korashimete Kondo wa boku ga kare no you ni Seigi o kudasunda! Boku ni makase na I'm A SUPER HERO!! Chiisa na aku mo yurusanai Ikusen no shitou o norikoete Tadoritsuita ketsuron to wa "Hontou no aku wa kenryoku no naka ni iru...!" Shijousaidai no sakusen Tsumi no nai shimin ga gisei ni natta Dakedo wakaru darou? Kore mo shin no teki taosu tame sa Boku ni tsudzuke yo I'm A SUPER HERO!! Kono sekai o kaeru toki da Ki ga kurureta toka hitogoroshi da toka Yobu yatsu wa soitsu ga aku da! Terorisuto datte? Sonna baka na Oi doko ni tsureteikunda!? Minna o, machi o, sekai o, kimi o Mamotta hiiroo-sama da zo!! Terebi wa konna ketsumatsu janakatta Tada anata no you ni naritakatta dake nano ni... Boku wa kurutte nanka nai Seigi ga makeru hazu nai Ishi o tsugu hiiroo ga Araware aku o horobosunda

When I was young, I admired That invincible, red-caped man; In these immoral times, A hero like that is just what we need... 1: Doing trash-collecting, 2: Saving lost kittens, 3: Stopping bullies, 4: Punishing thieves... Now, just like he did, I shall administer justice! Leave it to me, I'm a super hero!! I won't forgive your petty crimes After fighting a thousand deadly battles, I arrived at this conclusion... "The real evil... is in the government...!" For the greatest plot in history, Innocent people had to be sacrificed But you understand, don't you? This is all to stop the true enemy... Follow me, I'm a super hero!! The time has come to change the world Call me insane? Call me a murderer? You're the ones who are evil! Terrorist, you say? That's outrageous! Hey, where do you think you're taking me?! I protect everyone, this town, this world, and you! I'm your great and noble hero!! This wasn't the way it ended on TV... All I wanted was to be like you, that was all... You're wrong, I'm not insane, And justice can't have lost... A hero who carries my will Will appear anew to destroy evil...